Barney_Gumble: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston.
Wade_Boggs: Pit the Elder.
Barney_Gumble: (JUMPS OFF STOOL) Lord Palmerston!
Wade_Boggs: (POKING BARNEY) Pit the Elder!
Barney_Gumble: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
Moe_Szyslak: (SCORNFULLY) Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney. Pit the Elder.
Barney_Gumble: (IN MOE'S FACE) Lord Palmerston!

Barney_Gumble: (AMAZED) Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars?
Homer_Simpson: Yeah!
Moe_Szyslak: Pfft, the lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant.
Barney_Gumble: You know, I heard the jackpot's up to one hundred and thirty million dollars.
Homer_Simpson: (SPITTING OUT BEER) One hundred and thirty million dollars!
Sadistic_Barfly: C'mon boozehound! You want the twenty five cents, don't you? Keep singin'!
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) BUFFALO GALS WON'T YOU COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT / COME OUT TONIGHT... OH BUFFALO GALS...
Young_Barfly: Who's that old rummy?
Moe_Szyslak: (OFFENDED) Before his dog got sick, that "old rummy" used to be my best customer.
Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOONNNNNNNN!
Sadistic_Barfly: Go get it, pal.
Homer_Simpson: My quarter!!! (MOAN)

Homer_Simpson: Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night, and they...
Moe_Szyslak: Wha...wha... Wait a minute. You went to another bar?
Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, you got any Fudd?
Moe_Szyslak: Fudd? I thought they took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind.
Homer_Simpson: Moe, I was a hundred miles outta town.
Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) Oh, Homer.

Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Keep those pickled eggs comin', Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: You cleaned me out Smokin' Joe. What's the matter Homer? Cummerbund too tight?
Homer_Simpson: (SADLY) I miss my couch.
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: I know how you feel. You lost a couch. I lost a heavyweight championship.
Homer_Simpson: Pfft! Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind.
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Homer, I know things are tough now. But one day you'll be walking along and you'll see a piece of furniture that you can love just as much.
Barney_Gumble: Hey, Frazier, shut up!
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Barney, you've been riding my back all night.
Barney_Gumble: Oh yeah? Care to step outside?
Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Let's do it.
Homer_Simpson: (FINISHING BEER) I think I'm gonna take a walk.
Barney_Gumble: All right! A peanut!
Barney_Gumble: Come on washer!
Moe_Szyslak: (HITS DRYER) Oh, you stupid dryer!

Homer_Simpson: Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow -- Religious holiday... The uh, Feast of... (LOOKING AT SIGN) Maximum Occupancy.
Moe_Szyslak: Pretty slick.
Homer_Simpson: Well, you should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No Hell... no kneeling....
Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. I was born a Snake-Handler and I'll die a Snake-Handler.

Homer_Simpson: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive?
Moe_Szyslak: Mmmm... no.
Homer_Simpson: How about you, Barney?
Barney_Gumble: Not for a second (BELCH).
Homer_Simpson: (SIGH) I need help.
Tv_Father: (WITH EACH TOSS) Whee... whee... whee.... whee... wheeeee...
Tv_Father: (TO THE CAMERA) I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest.
Jack_Larson: Well, now, there's a way to prove it.
Tv_Father: Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes, Jack Larson!
Jack_Larson: This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. (HE TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND SMOKES IT) Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age seven to nine.
Homer_Simpson: Lisa's age seven to nine!
Jack_Larson: Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the Maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown!
Krusty_the_Clown: I heartily endorse this event or product.
Tv_Daughter: What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning.
Homer_Simpson: That could be Lisa!
Announcer: The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only 250 dollars to enter.
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket?
Barney_Gumble: Sure!
Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Where'd you get all the money?
Barney_Gumble: From some scientists. Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up.

Mrs._Powers: But it says "good for one free beer at Moe's." This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it?
Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) No, this is... Bo's Cavern.
Mrs._Powers: (DISGUSTED) Give me my beer.
Moe_Szyslak: Stupid Welcome Mobile, I knew it would ruin me.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, just a sec, I'll check. (TO EVERYONE) Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!
Barney_Gumble: Maybe your standards are too high.
Moe_Szyslak: You little S.O.B., if I ever find out who you are I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Moe_Szyslak: Ah-ha, big mistake pal! (TO SELF) I knew he'd slip up sooner or later.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.
Moe_Szyslak: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.
Barney_Gumble: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? (GASP) Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. (SLURPS IT, THEN SIGHS)

Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, phone call.

Barney_Gumble: Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. (LONG BEAT) Ah, there it goes.
Moe_Szyslak: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle. All right, everybody put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle.
Captain: Har, har, har.

Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house.
Barney_Gumble: Wow, Moe, you didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages.
Teenage_Barney: I don't know. The SAT's are tomorrow.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero.
Barney_Gumble: I wish I was a hero.
Homer_Simpson: Well wishing won't make it so. You've got to pull up your diaper, get out there, and be the best damn Barney you can be.
Barney_Gumble: Here I come world!
Homer_Simpson: How do you think he'll do, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: (PROUDLY) I think he'll do just fine.
Moe_Szyslak: (TO BARNEY) Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her?
Barney_Gumble: Eh, we've been lookin' for a project to do together for a while.
Linda_Ronstadt: (SINGING) WHEN THE SNOW STARTS A FALLIN'... THERE'S A MAN YOU SHOULD BE CALLIN'... THAT'S KL5-4796 -- LET IT RING; /MR. PLOW IS A LOSER AND / I THINK HE IS A BOOZER...
Barney_Gumble: (SINGING) SO YOU BETTER MAKE THAT CALL TO THE PLOW KING.
Homer_Simpson: How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you.
Teenage_Barney: (INTELLIGENT) Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to... (THINKS) effervescent! (CHECKS ANSWER) All right! Harvard here I come!
Teenage_Barney: All right. Just one -- if it'll get you off my back.
Teenage_Barney: Hey, where have (BELCHES "YOU") been all my life?