Moe_Szyslak: Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend Homer Simpson. Barney_Gumble: How long has it been? Moe_Szyslak: Six seconds. Barney_Gumble: Do we have to start over? Moe_Szyslak: Hell, no. Moe_Szyslak: (READING) "To Moe -- From Your Secret Admirer." Barney_Gumble: (GIVES A LITTLE WAVE) Yoo hoo! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, God, no. Moe_Szyslak: (SNIDE) Well, well look who it is. Mr. "I don't need alcohol to enjoy life." We hate him, right fellas? Homer_Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer. Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERY) Hey everybody! Homer's back! Moe_Szyslak: (A LITTLE TOO DESPERATE) C'mon Homer. Do it for your old pal Moesy. Barney_Gumble: But Moe. Yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of... Moe_Szyslak: Pipe down, rub-a-dub. Barney_Gumble: Ow. Homer_Simpson: Put it in the fridge, Moe. I got a date with my wife. Moe_Szyslak: You'll be back. (POINTING AROUND) And so will you... and you... And you! Barney_Gumble: Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave. Anthony_Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds thirty-thousand people. Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) It does. We had thirty thousand here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. Barney_Gumble: We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy! Bart_Simpson: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Klown Special? Flea: (ASIDE) Sure -- if you get us out of this gig. Bart_Simpson: No problemo. (POINTS) Hey, Moe! Look over there. Moe_Szyslak: What?... What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon... What... what, is that it? Homer_Simpson: Hey, Moe, can I look too? Moe_Szyslak: Sure, but it'll cost ya. Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) My wallet's in the car. Moe_Szyslak: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall... (HE STARES) Miss_Lois_Pennycandy: Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. (HOLDS IT UP) Johnny_Carson: Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time. Moe_Szyslak: Hey you can't come in here dressed like that. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Get with the times, Moe. Chief_Wiggum: Yeah. I say, if it feels good, do it. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: All right. Chief_Wiggum: Don't snap my undies. Krusty_the_Clown: I'm a star again. (WARMLY) I don't know how to thank you kids. Bart_Simpson: That's alright, Krusty. Lisa_Simpson: We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. Krusty_the_Clown: (MAD) What!? That's the sweetest plum. You... little... (THEN) Ahh. What the Hell. You deserve it. Thanks kids. Bart_Simpson: To Krusty. The greatest entertainer in the world. (POINTS) Except maybe that guy. Grampa_Simpson: Is this the bus to the Civic Center? Seymour_Skinner: (SINGING) Hello... Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) Hello... Chief_Wiggum: (SINGING) Hello... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGING) Hello... All: (SINGING) HELLO, MA BABY / HELLO, MA HONEY / HELLO, MA RAGTIME, RAGTIME GAL / SEND ME A KISS BY WIRE... ETC. Homer_Simpson: Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing... and the crowds went wild. Barney_Gumble: Yoo hoo! Homer_Simpson: (SINGS) SO GOODBYE... Chief_Wiggum: (SINGS) FAREWELL... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGS) SHOP KWIK-E-MART AND SAVE... All: GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABE! Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Homer, I'm a theatrical agent, and I want to represent your group. Homer_Simpson: Really? Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Yeah! Nigel_Bakerbutcher: You've got... it! (DISTASTE) All except that police officer. (DISGUSTED NOISE) Too Village People. You'll have to replace him. Homer_Simpson: (SLY) Just leave it to me. Seymour_Skinner: (SHAKING HANDS) Principal Seymour Skinner. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu Du Beaumarchais. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my God, but okay. Homer_Simpson: It was one lousy applicant after another. And then... Tenor: (SINGING) OVER IN KILLARNEY / SO MANY YEARS AGO... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Such a voice! Seymour_Skinner: Who is that? Tenor: (SINGING) ME MITHER SANG THIS SONG TO ME / IN TONES SO SOFT AND (BELCH)... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Barney! Crowd: (CHANTING) WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER! WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER!... Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) SWE-EE-EE-EE-EET ADELEINE. Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) SWEET ADELEINE. Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) MY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ADELEINE. Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) MY ADELEINE.... Crowd: (CHANTING) BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER! BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER!... Moe_Szyslak: Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job. Nigel_Bakerbutcher: I didn't pay any girls to scream. Moe_Szyslak: (TOO BIG) Hanh?!!! All: (AD LIB) Look at this. / We sounded great, huh? / Etc. Seymour_Skinner: Only one question remains gentlemen. What do we call ourselves? Nigel_Bakerbutcher: How about Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three? Barney_Gumble: I like it. Seymour_Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: How about The Be Sharps! Seymour_Skinner: Perfect. Homer_Simpson: The Be Sharps. Seymour_Skinner: The Be Sharps. Barney_Gumble: The Be Sharps. Chief_Wiggum: The Be Sharps. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Chief_Wiggum: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) well, can't blame a guy for trying. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Aw, you're all under arrest. Moe_Szyslak: (FRIENDLY) Hey, Barney, what'll it be? Barney_Gumble: I'd like a beer Moe. Kako: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Moe_Szyslak: Here you go. Lisa_Simpson: We know you're the one behind this. So knock it off or we're going to the cops. Moe_Szyslak: (QUIETLY) No no, I'll take care of it. Moe_Szyslak: Okay it's over! Get 'em out of here! Moe_Szyslak: (TO BEARS) All right, andalay! Andalay! Homer_Simpson: Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name. Homer_Simpson: (VERY UP) Hi guys! Homer_Simpson: Moe, get the darts. I want to play. Moe_Szyslak: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're havin' fun. Homer_Simpson: Moe, I need your advice. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Homer_Simpson: See, I got this friend named...(PAUSE) Joey Joe Joe Junior... (PAUSE) Schabadoo. Moe_Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard. Barney_Gumble: (CALLING AFTER HIM) Hey, Joey Joe Joe! Homer_Simpson: Oh, what the hell, it's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Barney_Gumble: (RECITING) "Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common." Homer_Simpson: Barney. That is so insightful. How did you come up with that? Barney_Gumble: It was on one of these bar napkins. Homer_Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be "Cueball." Skinner can be "Eightball", Barney will be "Twelveball," and Moe, you can be "Cueball." Moe_Szyslak: You're an idiot. Dr._Babcock: Excuse me? Homer_Simpson: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good. I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang it'd be you... shut up! Dr._Babcock: Are you the person that called NASA yesterday? Homer_Simpson: (GASP) No. It wasn't me, I swear. It was... him. STILLWATER: Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life? Barney_Gumble: Be an astronaut? Sure. STILLWATER: Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends. Homer_Simpson: (GASP) Respect?! Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call. I do it all the time. Check with the FBI, I have a file. I HAVE A FIIIIILE. STILLWATER: (SHRUGGING) Eh, better take both of them. STILLWATER: I don't really think that was necessary. They wanted to be astronauts. Dr._Babcock: I know.