Homer_Simpson: Hey everyone! Homer_Simpson: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend. Moe_Szyslak: (TO HOMER) Hey, I don't want no people in here with their evils of alcohol rap. Ned_Flanders: Wait a second. You're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children. Moe_Szyslak: I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer. Homer_Simpson: Shut up. Marge_Simpson: I can hit that one pin all right. But the rest of them don't even wobble. Moe_Szyslak: Lemme check. (TO BARFLIES) Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. / Uh, Jacques Strap! / Is I Pee Freely here? / Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual / My Crotch / A Amanda Huggenkiss? / A Huge Ass / "Ivanna Tinkle" / I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt. Marge_Simpson: No, no, no. No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Homer_Simpson: Hm... Homer_Simpson: Mmmm, Chocolate... / Mmmm, invisible cola. / Mmmm, Forbidden donut. / Mmmm sacrilicious. Mmmm, (INDECIPHERABLE) / Mmmm, free goo. Mmmm, something. Marge_Simpson: No, think about people. About moments in your life that have been very romantic. Homer_Simpson: Oh, okay. Marge_Simpson: That's not the idea at all. (THINKS) Okay, well this story isn't ideal, I've never told it to you before. Marge_Simpson: I got a very thoughtless birthday present from someone who shall remain nameless. Marge_Simpson: So I actually went to the bowling alley to spite him, or her... (MORE CLIPS) Marge_Simpson: (EMBARRASSED) Oh! Marge_Simpson: I'm awfully sorry. Jacques: Entirely my fault. (PAUSE) It is nice to meet you... (LOOKS AT HER BALL)... Homer. Marge_Simpson: (FLUSTERED) Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge. Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. Marge_Simpson: No... no, thank you, Mr... uh... (LOOKS AT THE NAME ON HIS BALL)... Brunswick. Jacques: Call me Jacques. Marge_Simpson: Jacques. Jacques: Marge. Marge_Simpson: Hmmm. Jacques: May I ask you a bold question? Marge_Simpson: Sure. Jacques: You've never bowled before? Marge_Simpson: Never. Jacques: No? Marge_Simpson: No. Jacques: Then I will teach you. Marge_Simpson: Oh, I don't want to trouble you. Jacques: Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form. Marge_Simpson: All right. But I'm not very good. Jacques: I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Marge_Simpson: Oh! Jacques: Now, throw! Marge_Simpson: But... Jacques: Throw, damn you! Marge_Simpson: (GASPS) You're a very good teacher! Lenny_Leonard: (SHIFTY EYED) Hey, Moe. You got change for a five? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, sure thing, Lenny. Moe_Szyslak: Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! A snake in the cash register. (LAUGHS) Great prank, fellas, great. Oh, I'm gonna be sick tonight. Barney_Gumble: Hey Moe, you wanna smell my flower? Moe_Szyslak: (GENUINELY ENTHUSED) Do I?! Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS, PATTING OUT FLAMES) I'm burnin' up, here. Ooh, ooh, taking advantage of my alcohol soaked clothes. (LAUGHS) It's funny and it makes you think. Moe_Szyslak: (SERIOUS) Oh I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. Homer_Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) This is gonna to be great. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh! Barney_Gumble: Geez! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now. Lenny_Leonard: That's not funny, Homer. Barney_Gumble: Yeah, we were just messin' around. And you had to go too far. Moe_Szyslak: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah! Homer_Simpson: (PLEADING) Ah, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me. Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. You should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mt. Lushmore. Moe_Szyslak: And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box. Homer_Simpson: (GASP) "It's Raining Men?" Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, not no more it ain't. Waylon_Smithers: Oww. (READING LABEL, SUDDENLY INTRIGUED) Ohh... Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Jokes on them. I'm still alive. Man: (VERY POLITE) Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, get outta here, Homer. Man: (TOO INNOCENT) "Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Gr-aargh! Oh my God, this man is my exact double. (GASPS WITH EQUAL ASTONISHMENT) That dog has a puffy tail! Homer_Simpson: Here, Puff! Here Puff! (GIGGLES) Homer_Simpson: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking. Homer_Simpson: Shut up, liver. Homer_Simpson: (PUZZLED) Ooh, my liver hurts. Moe_Szyslak: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However (HE LEANS IN CONFIDENTIALLY) since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance. Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING AT HIS LEGS) Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in? Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey! Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? (HE PULLS OUT A HUGE SLEDGE-HAMMER) Now let's do this thing. Barney_Gumble: There's a line in "Othello" about a drinker -- "now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it. Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender -- he has the soul of a poet. Barney_Gumble: (TURNING TO HER) You're very kind. Woman: (DISGUSTED) Excuse me did something crawl down your throat and die? Barney_Gumble: It didn't die. Barney_Gumble: My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa_Simpson: Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Barney_Gumble: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? Kent_Brockman: And tonight the following celebrities have been arrested: Kent_Brockman: ...while Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous. HUGH: You know, I rather like this pub. Moe_Szyslak: (POURING) Oh, an English boy, eh? You know we saved your ass in World War Two. HUGH: Yeah, well, we saved your ass in World War Three. Moe_Szyslak: That's true. Homer_Simpson: Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My Dad gave me his cuff links to wear on the day I married Marge, and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it'd mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive. HUGH: (MOVED) Well I'd be honored... HUGH: (FINISHING WITH LESS ENTHUSIASM) ...to wear... those... things. Bart_Simpson: Ow! Hey watch those virtual darts. I'm trying to play virtual pool! Other_Player: Ow! Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, no fightin' in my bar. Moe_Szyslak: Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. Barney_Gumble: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? Male_Inspector: (SHOCKED) Man alive! There are men alive in here! Female_Inspector: I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air. Male_Inspector: All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Moe_Szyslak: Damn Burns... (STEELY-EYED RAGE) Lemme just get one thing. Barney_Gumble: Me too. Barney_Gumble: Ahhhh, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem. Barney_Gumble: Wow! You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Homer_Simpson: Which one were you? The ugly one? Homer_Simpson: Were you the ugly one? Moe_Szyslak: No. I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a faceful of soot. Heh, nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think. Barney_Gumble: If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies? Barney_Gumble: Moe?... Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Oh no! My favorite aggie! Moe_Szyslak: You stole my bit! You... That's my bit ya... Ya... ooh, ooh, you stole my bit! Director: Cut! Stagehand: Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio. All: (MURMUR UNDERSTANDING ASSENT) Oh, I see / Yeah / That makes sense. Kent_Brockman: With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little. Barney_Gumble: (FLAILING) Agh! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Dr._Julius_Hibbert: (LOOKING AROUND) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Little_Hibbert_Girl: Daddy, this place smells like tinkle. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Mmm-hmm, I think we'll just go to The Texas Cheesecake Depository. Moe_Szyslak: Everybody is goin' to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more. Carl_Carlson: Ya ain't thinking of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, maybe I am. Carl_Carlson: Aw, but Moe, the dank. The dank! Moe_Szyslak: (LOST IN THOUGHT) Yeah. Family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh? Homer_Simpson: I'm not ashamed. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, put a coaster under that. Moe_Szyslak: So come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking. Homer_Simpson: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it! Moe_Szyslak: Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. Homer_Simpson: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it! Moe_Szyslak: (SNAPS FINGERS, INSPIRED) Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? Barney-Shaped_Form: I hate it. Moe_Szyslak: Oh boy. The deep fryer's here. Moe_Szyslak: I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds. Homer_Simpson: Forty seconds? (WHINING) But I want it now. Moe_Szyslak: G'on, take it all. Get it all out of here. Barney_Gumble: You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers. Moe_Szyslak: Nah. Too many bad memories. Barney_Gumble: Well, look at the bright side, Moe. You still got us. Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERING UP) Yeah. Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better. Homer_Simpson: Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke... Moe? Homer_Simpson: Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren'tcha? Homer_Simpson: What was it? 50-60 thousand dollars? ... Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning... Moe? Moe_Szyslak: What? Homer_Simpson: Let me get a pad....