Moe_Szyslak: Gee, business stinks tonight. Where's Barney, Lenny, and Carl?
Homer_Simpson: Ahhh... they never come around anymore now that they've got their (ROLLING EYES) mistresses.
Moe_Szyslak: (SOTTO, LOOKING AT HOMER) Eh, might as well close the dump.
Mayor_Joe_Quimby: I'm gonna drink you under the table.
Quimby_#2: No, I am going to drink you under the...
Quimbys: (DISAPPOINTED) Awwww.
Homer_Simpson: (SIGHS) Well, you're closing. It's getting late. My kids are probably wondering where their daddy is. (DESPERATE) There's gotta be some other place we can go. Think, Moe. Think.

Homer_Simpson: (RINGING BELL) Hear ye, hear ye, my daughter has something to tell you about Jebediah Springfield.
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, the little cutie wants to do something cute... (TO BARFLIES) Shut up, ya bums, shut up! Go ahead, angel.
Lisa_Simpson: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town!
Moe_Szyslak: (SLOW & HORRIFIED) Good God. (TURNS TO HOMER) Homer, y'know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit.
Barney_Gumble: There's an exit?
Moe_Szyslak: (UNDER HIS BREATH) "Evil blood-thirsty pirate"... Hello, Town Jubilation Committee? I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant.

Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern.
C._Montgomery_Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylon.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name, Waylon, is it? (SUDDENLY VICIOUS) Listen to me, you... when I catch you, I'm going to pull out your eyes and shove 'em up your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you. Okay? Then I'm going to use your tongue to paint my boat.
Waylon_Smithers: Uh, hello. You had a "help wanted" sign in the window?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.
Waylon_Smithers: I'll just wait out back until then.
Barney_Gumble: I look forward to working with you!
Homer_Simpson: Mr. Smithers, wait!
Homer_Simpson: You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices: You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job, like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back.
Waylon_Smithers: You're right! But I'm going to need your help.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh,... my... God!...
Truck_Driver: Beer delivery. Just sign here-- (HORRIFIED) Oh, no, it's you!!

Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Aw, hell. Well... What about Dracula?
Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Troy, buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma?
Homer_Simpson: Okay.

Moe_Szyslak: Twenty-five? (LAUGHS) Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. S., but you know, I gotta check everybody.
Bart_Simpson: (JOVIAL) Are you kidding? I take it as a compliment! (CHUCKLE) Three beers, please!
Barney_Gumble: Hey, join the party! (SICKLY, PATHETIC BURP)
Moe_Szyslak: (ON PHONE) Ura Snotball?

Moe_Szyslak: Say, ah, Barn. Remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney_Gumble: (CHUCKLES) Oh yeah, we all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: (DEAD SERIOUS) The results came back today.
Moe_Szyslak: (READING) You owe me... 70 billion dollars. (BEAT) No, wait, wait, wait... Oh, that's uh, for the Voyager Space Craft. (BEAT) Your tab's 14 billion dollars.
Barney_Gumble: Well, alls I got is two thousand bucks.
Moe_Szyslak: (CONSIDERING) Well, that's halfway there.
Snake_Jailbird: (TO MOE) Huh. Freeze, dude. Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off.
Moe_Szyslak: (MUFFLED) I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst.
Snake_Jailbird: (REASONABLE) All right.
Moe_Szyslak: No! Stay outta there! Stay outta there! Aw, Good God, no!!
Snake_Jailbird: Whoa, goodbye student loan payments! Ha-ha!
Moe_Szyslak: Come back here, you stinkin' -- (LOOKS AROUND, A BIT CONCERNED) Hey, I wonder how much air is in here.

Moe_Szyslak: Ya know what really aggravazes me, is them immiggants. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language.
Homer_Simpson: Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies.
Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you said it, Barn.

Jimbo's_Dad: That's for tellin' me how to raise my lousy kid!
Dolph's_Dad: This is for the crummy life I've had to live! (THROWS ANOTHER PUNCH)
Homer_Simpson: (STILL REASONABLE) The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh!
Kearney's_Dad: Hey, somethin's wrong with this guy! He's not fallin' down!
Moe_Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas. If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.
Moe_Szyslak: Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down.
Homer_Simpson: (GLUM) Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back. The only thing a loser like me is good for is taking beatings.
Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you! (GETTING A BIG IDEA) Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley!
Homer_Simpson: (PERKING UP) Really?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal!
Homer_Simpson: (GASP OF AWE) Dressing?
Moe_Szyslak: Their choice.
Homer_Simpson: You really think I could do it?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits?
Homer_Simpson: Yes!
Moe_Szyslak: And are you man enough to throw a punch, should the opportunity arise?
Homer_Simpson: Yes!
Moe_Szyslak: ("THE CLINCHER") And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?
Homer_Simpson: YES!!
Moe_Szyslak: I'll take it!!
Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo!
Moe_Szyslak: Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I wantcha to have complete faith in me. C'mere, lemme show ya somethin'...
Homer_Simpson: Wow! I've never been in here before!
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office.
Homer_Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me?
Moe_Szyslak: Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe."
Homer_Simpson: (NOTICING SOMETHING) Hey, what's this?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out.
Homer_Simpson: (GASP) You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time.
Homer_Simpson: Why not?
Moe_Szyslak: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics...
Homer_Simpson: (IN BITTER AGREEMENT) Lousy Democrats.
Barney_Gumble: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage!
Moe_Szyslak: Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob.
Homer_Simpson: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he?
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, no. Not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich.
Moe_Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did.
Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this?
Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that's the barbed wire. Heh. We, uh, we called that "The Stinger." They... they don't let you use that no more.
Moe_Szyslak: Now, no matter how much he hits you, you don't do nothin', okay? You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match here.
Bart_Simpson: Way to go, Dad! Take those punches!
Lenny_Leonard: Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo!
Carl_Carlson: Yeah, he never stops punching... 'cept to check on his bindle.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him!
LUCIUS: Hello, Moe. Delightful to see you again.
Moe_Szyslak: (AWED) Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati like you doin' in my dump? I--I thought you were managing the Champ.
LUCIUS: Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of fistiana.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, what?
LUCIUS: (BEAT) His comeback fight. You know, boxing.
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, oh, man. Yeah, well, who's donatin' his body for that one? Huh?
LUCIUS: Well, word is you manage a stalwart young pugilist who cannot be knocked down.
Moe_Szyslak: (INCREDULOUS) Homer? You want Homer to fight Tatum?
LUCIUS: Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. But Homer's no boxer, he-- he's just a freak. Tatum'll fustigate him!
LUCIUS: Well, fustigation aside, Moe, you've got a choice: you can either sit here in the ladies room with your faded memories, or you can take your last shot at the big time. (DRAMATIC) And I can make it happen.
LUCIUS: Three rounds, that's all I ask.
Moe_Szyslak: I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper.
Homer_Simpson: (NAIVELY) You... didn't?
Moe_Szyslak: No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World?
Homer_Simpson: Uh, sure.
Moe_Szyslak: Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass.
Homer_Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Ooh, "General!" (BEAT) Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo?
Moe_Szyslak: (EVASIVE) Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that...
Homer_Simpson: Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance.

Larry: Everybody go nuts, I'm buyin'! (TO MOE) Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill.
Barney_Gumble: Yeah. (REMEMBERING FONDLY) But it was worth it!
Larry: What's everybody in this burg have against my Dad? He's a pussycat. I tell ya, he's a doll-baby. (TO HOMER) Come on over, I'll show ya!

Kirk_Van_Houten: Homer! I want you to meet my new special lady. Say hello to Starla.
Starla: Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Okay.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Starla's a temp at K-ZUG ('KAY-ZUGG') Radio 530. She's going to help me launch my singing career.
Kirk_Van_Houten: My car!
Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh! My demo tape!
Homer_Simpson: (READING) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (LAUGHS) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (STILL LAUGHING) There's your picture on the front.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me.
Homer_Simpson: I already did.
Kirk_Van_Houten: You know why all this happened, don't you? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. Y'know, in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework.
Homer_Simpson: Oh yeah. You gotta do that.
Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've at least stayed in shape for her.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, and for yourself.
Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special.
Homer_Simpson: It can't just be sex. It can't.
Kirk_Van_Houten: God, I was so self-centered. No wonder I didn't see it coming. (SHAKING HEAD) That's how it is, though: one day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawing a hot dog in a gas station sink.
Homer_Simpson: (UNDERSTANDING) Ooh, that's tough, pal. But it's never going to happen to me.
Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special?
Homer_Simpson: 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine.