Homer_Simpson: Carl?
Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney! Soul mate! Let me buy you a beer.
Barney_Gumble: Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum.
Homer_Simpson: Well what about you, Lenny?
Lenny_Leonard: (HELPFUL) I'm a crony.
Carl_Carlson: I'd say acquaintance.
Sam: Call me sympathizer.
Bumblebee_Man: Compadre.
Kearney_Zzyzwicz: Associate.
Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Contemporary.
Moe_Szyslak: I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Moe_Szyslak: Another Duff, Homer?
Homer_Simpson: Nah, it's Friday night Moe. I wanna try something special.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, sure, sure.
Moe_Szyslak: Uh, here you go. Duff. (DOOF) From Sweden. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)
Homer_Simpson: Skoal! (SIPS) Wait a minute -- this is Duff!
Moe_Szyslak: (NASTY LAUGH) Ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya? (HANDING HOMER A BEER) All right, here you go -- "Red Tick Beer."
Homer_Simpson: Hmm, bold -- refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on.
Homer_Simpson: Well, it's one a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Moe_Szyslak: Just a second, Homer, you gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home.
Homer_Simpson: Eh, I guess I'll walk home.
Fox_Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer_Simpson: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Dana_Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer_Simpson: (ASHAMED) We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?
Homer_Simpson: (TO SCULLY) You are one fine-lookin' woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that.
Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK, REMORSEFUL) I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her. I-- (LOOKING DOWN) Hey, a penny!
Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, who are you guys anyhow?
Fox_Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.
Moe_Szyslak: (EDGY) FBI, huh? Uh, S'cuse me.

Homer_Simpson: (DIMLY) Oh yeah.
Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe.
Moe_Szyslak: (GENEROUSLY) Aw, Homer. You know your money's no good here.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, wait a minute -- this is real money!
Homer_Simpson: (PROUDLY) Yeah, my wife is raking it in.
Fat_Tony: (CLEARS THROAT) Greetings, Homer.
Homer_Simpson: (HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Hey, Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia?
Fat_Tony: (LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) Uh, uh, yes. I am. Thank you for asking. Now Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh... how shall I say, Mafia crime syndicate.
Fat_Tony: Now, the time has come for you to do us a favor.
Homer_Simpson: (SHOCKED AND HURT) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony... (INDIGNANT) I will say good day to you, sir.
Fat_Tony: (ASHAMED) Okay, I will go.
Fat_Tony: (REALIZING) Hey, wait a minute.

Moe_Szyslak: (HANGING UP) Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney_Gumble: And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: The South shall "come again!"

Homer_Simpson: ...and the entire steel mill was gay!
Moe_Szyslak: (NOT SURPRISED) Where ya been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, aerospace, too. And the railroads. And ya know what else? (NODS KNOWINGLY) Broadway!
Barney_Gumble: I always hoped Bart'd grow up to be just like us. What happened?
Moe_Szyslak: Oh, it ain't no mystery -- whole modern world got a swishifyin' effect on kids today. And their MTV's and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer. And you gotta do it fast.
Homer_Simpson: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
Moe_Szyslak: Well, lessee now... uh, time was, you'd send a boy off to war. Shootin' a man'd fix him right up. (MAD) But there's not even any wars no more thank you very much Warren Christopher!
Barney_Gumble: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. Then you just sit back and watch the grandkids roll in!
Homer_Simpson: (CONSIDERS IT) Hunting, eh?

Homer_Simpson: (WHINY MOAN) It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oh, it's never gonna be nine o'clock.
Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe, thank God you're here! We'd like to come in and drink, please!
Lenny_Leonard: We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.
Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, all right, listen up! This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers?
Moe_Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.
Homer_Simpson: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, ain't that your kid on TV?
Bart_Simpson: (MENACING) What are yew lookin' at?
Moe_Szyslak: Who wants a bathtub mint julep?

Moe_Szyslak: (WRITING) "Barney Gumbel".
Homer_Simpson: Oh, I can't believe it. I've got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe_Szyslak: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer_Simpson: (SHAKING HEAD) No, I won't accept that.
Moe_Szyslak: No, it's true. I've got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list".
Barney_Gumble: (READING) Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours.
Moe_Szyslak: Okay, gimme that. Gimme it back!
Homer_Simpson: (MOROSE) Oh, what'll I do, Moe?
Moe_Szyslak: Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's not expecting it, bam! The old fork in the eye.
Homer_Simpson: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye?
Moe_Szyslak: There's always a first time.

Barney_Gumble: (TO CHAUFFEUR) Thanks for the lift!

Barney_Gumble: Well, ah, I better go. I've got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things.
Moe_Szyslak: (HURT, TO SELF) She told me she was washin' her hair tonight. (SIGHS) I'm so desperately lonely.
Grampa_Simpson: Ah, quit your belly-aching, ya big loser!
Moe_Szyslak: (LOOKING AROUND) Wh... who said that?
Grampa_Simpson: I did. It's me, Abe Simpson.
Moe_Szyslak: But you're dea-d-d-dead. (THREE STOOGES SCARED SOUND)
Grampa_Simpson: (UPBEAT) I was! But I've come back... as your love testing machine!
Grampa_Simpson: I'm the love-matic Grampa!
Singers: (PEPPY) WHILE SHOPPING FOR SOME CANS / AN OLD MAN PASSED AWAY / HE FLOATED UP TOWARD HEAVEN / BUT GOT LOST ALONG THE WAY...
Singers: NOW HE'S THE LOVE-MATIC GRAMPA! / THE WISE SOCRATIC GRAMPA! / (SWELLING, MUSHY) AND HE'LL FILL OUR HEARTS WITH LOVE!
Grampa_Simpson: Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.
Moe_Szyslak: Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love.
Grampa_Simpson: Yeah -- "All Quiet On The Western Front!"
Moe_Szyslak: Ahh, kiss my dishrag!
Grampa_Simpson: See? That's your problem. You're a crab. Ladies like sweet talkers.
Moe_Szyslak: (DEFENSIVE) Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.

Homer_Simpson: Barney, where's my car?!!